Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Ten ways to observe your family

I've been told recently (by a 23 minute Buddism video I just scored for 50 cents at the thrift store!!!!) that much of the suffering that accompanies holiday gatherings stems from people like me wanting to control what's happening. We think that if we tell people they're acting crazy they'll shake their heads and blink as if being freed from a spell, smile gratefully at us, and start behaving the way we want.

It seems like the happy people just observe the action and let everybody entertain them.

Here are ten ways to become an observer.

Put your feet up on the leopard ottoman and pretend the family is auditioning for your new reality show. SOLD

Put your feet up on the floral ottoman and add your toes to the cast. Be sure to give them lines. SOLD

Put your feet up on the purple ottoman and practice sleeping with your eyes open

Use the armrests of this bench to casually plug your ears and make up fake dialogue for whomever's moving their mouth SOLD

Sit on this storage bench and every time you pass judgement on someone, toss a piece of your clothing in it. Try not to let yourself get completely naked. SOLD

Pretend to be writing it all down for your big novel then just write a quick letter to LL Bean and see if they'll send you some free slippers for all your ottoman-resting. SOLD

Hide in the armoire and listen to find out how well your family's tolerating YOU this year. SOLD

If you just need a break, move a family member's socks to the t-shirt drawer. SOLD

Hide behind the TV cabinet and pretend to fix something. When the menfolk offer to help, turn it into a game of Twister. SOLD

Assign a drawer to each of your family's most irritating behaviors. Put an empty glass/cranberry/barbie/piece of gelt in the appropriate drawer each time someone indulges. Feel free to start rooting for the winning drawer at any point in the evening. SOLD

Eat with gusto and gratitude because you know someone well enough to assign their behaviors a drawer. SOLD

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