Saturday, October 18, 2008

In an uncharacteristic moment of assertiveness, Joy has declared this room a "showtune free zone." Now I, for one, can't imagine why anyone would want to go through an entire day without humming a few lines from Kiss me Kate, but whatever.

Maybe those of us who've already tried to customize the entire universe to our tastes should take a lesson. Our efforts to rid the world of everything from reality television to walnuts are failing miserably. Perhaps it's time to ask ourselves, "Would we have better luck if we only conquered one room at a time?"

Picture it: the NO SUV foyer. The NO EMAIL SPAM dining room. How hard could it be to enforce a NO ELIZABETH HASSELBOT rule in your bathroom? I've already had a 12 day ban on the words "edgy" "extreme," and "literally" in my bedroom and it's going great so far. If you're planning to push an elevator button incessantly, talk too loudly at a swimming hole, or build a subdivision and call it a community, you better steer clear of my kitchen.

Once we get the hang of this we could change the rules as often as we want. NO SMELLY, CANCER-SHARING SMOKERS one day. NO ELITIST, HIPPIE-ASS, CONTROLLING SMOKING BANS the next day. NO ADJECTIVES USED AS ADVERBS on alternate Tuesdays and NOTHING BUT CORPORATE SPEAK LIKE FYI, VALUE-ADDED, AND PUSHBACK on national holidays.

All we have to do is drastically reduce the scope of our dominion and we can live happily, even openly, as control freaks. Now, go out there and claim a room.

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